It is hard to deal with a broken heart especially when it is not yours. With all my faith even if I tell her that things will become ok- it does not help. I can see her moping around, trying to escape, to find little snatches of happiness in some lost romantic rainy day. I wish I could do something. I wish I could do something to make it alright.
When reality sobs herself to sleep just next to you all the happy bright thoughts and quotes on love walk the line of shame. Helpless voyeurs we stand sighing in our hearts. We all have our personal heart aches. Some one night stands, some affairs gone bad, some absences, compromises, lies, hypocrisy, betrayals and an ounce of truth somewhere in all that mind fucking- we are all so useless. So darn useless.

I am tired. Of lies.

Sometimes I still think. As much as I hate to accept I do. But at least between the two of us someone is mature enough to handle the truth.

Goodbye and thank you for all the Fish!

I cycled today while the storm built up and raindrops started gaining speed. It was wonderful- obviously something we all have wanted to do sometime or the other and probably had done. I just had to hurry for my documents were at the danger of getting wet. I knew my destined job was not to be completed so I enjoyed that moment in the rain. I did not think of great things though I wanted to. Something epiphanic and brilliant to write about and later gloat over. But nothing really came up. The only line in my head was that everyone had their own private heart aches.
Over the last month or a bit more I have learnt some hard lessons. Lessons that took large ugly chunks out of my heart and left me so empty that I could recognize myself even lesser than normal. But at the end of the day when everyone is fighting for that little bit of ego and little bit of the sky I suppose it is all fair. Or not.
I arrived at this place thinking that I was to stay here and I convinced myself that it made sense. The emptiness hit me when I sat amidst unknown faces eating my dinner. This was like a full circle and it was never a nice feeling. I was old enough to be practical and to deal with everything rather maturely.
Wrong.
I need my comfort zone or I cannot function- and I do stupid things if I can't function.
So tomorrow I must explain so someone why I must leave. With a very solemn expression I must mumble about a family emergency.
But today I cycled in the rain, watched the storm and saw ugly fat toads all over the place and two of them mating.

Ha ha

We go round and round in circles of three...
You, monkey and little me...
In circles of three we race to the door
And break all furniture down to the floor!
We go round and round in circles of three...
You, monkey and little me...
In circles of three we scream and shout
For we have nothing that we can talk about!
We go round and round in circles of three...
You, monkey and little me...
In circles of three we pinch the others
Donkey, mad bat and their little brothers!
We go round and round in circles of three...
You, monkey and little me...

If I get swine flu I will go home!
home...home...home...
If I get swine flu I will go home!
Home...home..home!!!
If I get swine flu I will go home...

Oh well!!!

The last month and a bit more has been harrowing hell for me and a few of my friends and family as well. For all the set back that could have hit us square in the eye has dutifully done just that. Every thing that could go wrong- has. But this strange tendency we all have- to stick it out...just one night longer, just an hour more, just one last shot. Me with my issues with being close to people and such vague things- I do not know whether such moments of grave tenacity had brought me any closer to anyone else but rather has made me so isolated.
Disconnected and Isolated.
Such heavy words they are! Oh my!!!

The poet writes...

I thought that I would write a book. Someday, soon enough. I want to write a book, get it published, do the book tours, the back cover glamor shots...all the works.
But the twist is that it will for sure NOT be chic lit! NEVER NEVER NEVER. As much as I hate those books, as much as those pieces of cheap lit have entertained me- I will NEVER write chic lit.
I might write a book on JNU and call it 'Plane Spotting' or write a Fantasy Trilogy- the name of which I have not decided yet.

But I will.

Promise.

Post Heart Break Ramblings in other words BLAH!!!

For the last few days I have tried to write. In reality with pen and paper and also in my head like I mostly do. I tried when I saw the different shades of blue in the never ending sea, when I saw a glowing sun set, when I walked the sea bed, when I took off in to the air, when I got thrown in to the water and even when I saw a jelly fish- I tried to write.

Isn’t that what we should do? The old school intellectuals? Seeking acceptance from a world who we don’t believe understands us? Seeking approval and some sympathy from people who do not think like us nor can feel like us form the written forms that we pour ourselves into. Read me- in all my naked honesty- read me.

And learn me, understand me, accept me and if you can follow my blog daily.
Who am I to tell them that I do not believe them? Who am I to tell them that at times I do not even believe myself? The mind is capable of such diverse thoughts and such absurd conclusions that even if I pour myself out in words and customized pages- I can never believe to be completely honest?
When I fail to write- something like this piece comes into reluctant existence. You see, the great cynic of the post modern age, all I have learnt from the hallowed portals of my academic castles- is that I can and should write. How could I possibly do anything else?

Can I live?
Maybe not. Breathe, survive, love, lie...?
I do not know about that- but I can write.

So...you know by now what to do. But let me warn you- what you read of me is not one bit honest. It is what I want you to read of me! And hell- you already knew that.
When my heart is broken- I may turn my tears to words,

When I have so much love in me to completely own you- I may turn my want to words,
When I have no answers to give- I can turn my lack of knowledge to words,
With these words there is nothing I cannot do.



I have learnt that I am not good enough. For something I have loved with all my heart. When we had nothing we were given so much that now, after two years we have so much to lose that our heart s are breaking. It is true my dear friend that while showing you pictures of a far off land when faces familiar come up there are tears in my eyes.
I will never walk those same paths again, I won’t play with those puppies again nor spend the nights up with you...you all who I hold so close to me. Why us? Why?
You all, in your locked rooms- tell us where we went wrong. Tell us why we had such an undignified departure from these tree shaded avenues, from all the colours, and all the happiness that our immature hearts could hold?
Why?
Look into my eyes and tell me that I am not good enough for you all. Tell me that the last two years, all the hard work, all the faith and respect have just been lies. Tell me that I deserve to go.



After being away from home for two years and learning to be someone I was not, I came back home with nothing left to lose. I was no longer that girl who in a hurry stuffed her chaotic life into a few boxes and changed cities. This new me was nice, I liked her very much. But when I reached home I had the feeling deep inside somewhere that my life no longer would be the same again. I did things I could manage, could make time for, and could do with all the sincerity I could muster. Survived on the sliver of hope that two years had been spent well. What a conceited fool I am!!!
But when it hit me, I wanted to run away and hide. After a long long time I wanted to run away and hide. That is what courage does to you. It makes you complacent, it makes you feel in ways you have never felt before and that is dangerous. I thought that after the long and hard fought battles I deserved my bit. But my battles were just beginning.
After being away for so long I never liked being home. But this time I wanted to stay home. For the comfort it gave me. For the hugs, the quiet words and the smiles. I want my mommy. I want you. And I want it all to come together to comfort me.
Why am I being so silly that I must break so?
Have such battles never been fought before? Why am I so eager to run away? Am I a coward?
When I had lost everything I had fought so hard to gain it all back. I was stupid in the first place to have lost it all...but when you are that young...it is in your blood to do the stupidest things. I just could not believe that I had to fight again.
Why me?
The new journey has begun and I am learning to accept that those paths will never be traversed again, not by me...but by the likes of me and I wish them all well. But god knows how much I want to be there, doing the same things, feeling the same way.
And as far as running away is concerned I shall sit here and shut the world out. Silently, slowly and by myself.
And you and I will meet when those doors have opened again.

Well...then...

I have this strange habit...well,not exactly a 'habit' but more like a disease if I could call it so.
I get used to/irritated with people REALLY fast! It's easier to talk of it than to feel it because when I do feel it hitting me I realize how impatient I intrinsically am.
What actually happens is - I end up spending a lot of time with someone because I am rather fond of them, but VERY soon their whims and quirks start getting to me. It happens with everyone I am fond of. EVERYONE. It is not that I love them any less then but I would do anything right then to go away from them, do something else, be somewhere else. It happens with friends, family, acquaintances...hell!!!
I can't explain why it happens but it completely irks me when I look back at it. And the strange thing is I can't do much to change it.
So more often than not I end up spending stipulated time with people I love so as I never get irritated with them. It is not their fault, it's mine. So if I ever cancel plans with you - I am doing it for I adore you completely.
Believe me.