Some one who thought new me rather well tried analysing my handwriting yesterday.
This 'someone', I must add is absolutely certain that she has me understood and sorted out in the past 9 months or a little more that she has known me.
She said that I was NOT a spend thrift. Alternatively I was also willing to pay EXACTLY what the item was worth.
She said that I was properly and neatly egotistic. I sat apparently on top of the ego fence and dangled my nice heels.
I ALSO didn't have a double self- I was what I was- straight in your face.
However, I did keep things inside.
I could be a team leader AND a team player.
I didn't hang on to things in the past and I was willing to let go.

Clearly.

No one has been more right about my ego.
And SO wrong about my past.

Slaying A Jabberwoky

I would have to be half-mad to dream up something like this?
Then perhaps I am.

I had nothing to do today. NOTHING. I made plans and I meticulously thought of excuses and cancelled them. I sat and cried a while, tried to act mature. Then gave it up.

Only after I gave up was I happy. At peace inside. As if I had untied this massive load off my heart and let it crash in to the waters below. It made me wonder why I had not done it earlier.

I think I just managed to cut the purple tongue off.

The undoing.

I miss you. In this completely heartbreaking way I miss you. You seem to have melted in to my pores like the after effects of a dream. I want to see you. I want to be close enough to smell your skin again. To place my fingers on your cheek and hold you when you sleep. There is this scream at the base of my throat that is clawing its way out. Tears well up reluctantly. The scream has sharp tearing fingers. I need you. I need you here now. I am angry for wanting you. Anger and Want. I still have not learnt what to do with either. My whole being is tearing out of me to rush to you. To keep you forever. Trapped perhaps. You have undone me. Every nerve in my body is coiled around your thoughts like your fingers around mine. I inscribe you on my skin. Make the cuts deep so as you stay forever. The scar is inching towards my heart so dangerously that I wake up in a clammy sweat, but still protected in your arms. Your kiss. I want your kiss on the back of my hand like lines on my skin.
Tomorrow morning when I wake up- my eyes will burn to want to see you next to me. And I won’t.
My heart is breaking. That is how much I miss you.

I am so into you

First attempt in writing a song. Hate rhymes. Hate trying to rhyme. But you made me try. Thank You T!


I saw how you kissed him, I wished it was me, baby.
I saw how the evening went, in a high and slowly
And when our eyes met across the room,
I wished the rest weren't there.
Who needed a name?
For in the dark, my heart just melted away, as we walked the lonely roads, baby.

Thought I had found love, I thought I had found me
I thought I had found her, but then there was him.
How one small little heartache- can push us to the brink.
But she tore through my heart- baby...I am so into you.
And I ain't giving you up- I am so into you.

And then days turned, brighter than gold.
We went the way life took us, too in love to be told...
That right and wrong are imposed designs in the lines that we draw...
With red letters on paper with creases and folds.
Who needed a name?
For in the dark, my heart just melted away, when we walked the night away.

Thought I had found love, I thought I had found me
I thought I had found her, but then there was him.
How one small little heartache- can push us to the brink.
But she tore through my heart- baby...I am so into you.
And I ain't giving you up- I am so into you.

How do you love in four roses? How do you love in a crowd?
How do you stop yourself from holding on, when your heart beats too loud?
Now that I’ve found her, could I ever let her go?
Then I see her across the room...who needs a name...
For in the dark...my heart just melted away...

Thought I had found love, I thought I had found me
I thought I had found her, but then there was him.
How one small little heartache- can push us to the brink.
But she tore through my heart- baby...I am so into you.
And I ain't giving you up- I am so into you.

And now, this is how I feel.

And now, this is how I feel.

It’s the way we sleep. Years of familiarity has tied me to you in this strangely comfortable way. When you lie next to me, I cannot but reach out of your arm and hold just that much to me. Just you arm, or your hand or a finger. Some bit of your skin, the baby soft smell. I wonder at times how a man can smell that way. But that smell is my security blanket. I won’t tell you how it feels to not have that around me. Sleeping next to anyone else I don’t reach out. With you – it is as natural as breathing. No matter how angry I am, no matter what passed. When you lie next to me, sleeping, I have to hold on to you.
I know no matter how I tuck my feet in between yours, or entwine our fingers- you won’t find it strange. You will just make place for me. Warm my freezing toes. Put your hand casually on me. Sometimes you have pushed me away, in anger. But then when you sleep, my head is back on your arm.
I don’t know how else to sleep.
I never learnt.

Painted

Blue stained, window pane brown,
Pain in red and dirt,
Highlighted in my notes in acrid pink. The marker fluorescence.
Baby boy blue, turquoise, cobalt, prussian love bites and smiles.
Baby dark purple, dying love lace in tangles, around ebony curls and cheek stain pink.
Yellow dreams and sepia edges of sticky photographs, inky doodles, orange red orange sunlight, rips a little hole in my heart
Bottle green shadows on my shoulder, the midnight blue eyes of a love I am hiding,
The cascading bright green from falling rains on my open palms that I throw at you in a bunch.
Liquid red in dead green. Spills over, the tanned brown skin rolls all over a stark metallic grey soul.
In black and white. You I keep ensconced.

119 bpm.

A permanent heartbreak.

Coffee- no baby!

I don't forget how old I am- if you have a doubt- perhaps you should ask me- instead of telling me that I am not old enough in various combinations of words, and expressions

After a night of almost no sleep- to survive a longer day of mindlessness- I thought I needed coffee. My colleague and I, headed down to Barista- since the office coffee tasted deplorable for some reason today. I went in and asked for a black coffee in something they call ‘Grande’. The guy in orange tells me- like a passing warning-

“It’s black coffee…”
“Oh is it??? I thought it was milk and chocolate…” I wanted to say.

I smiled back and said- “I know…I still want it…”

He shrugged…SHRUGGED. Like parents do when kids make unfair demands. He didn’t take my order. Another very smiley waiter in orange at the counter did- actually two of them. I repeated my order and then one speaks up, smiling insanely-
“Ma’m, it’s BLACK coffee…and it is VERY STRONG!”

I felt like a 12 year old in a bar…asking for whiskey.

A deep breath later I told him- “I KNOW! And I STILL want it- can I have it on the GO?!!”

For the love of God I am not sitting there drinking my coffee and have them look at me, waiting for my adolescent hormones to jump up and do something insane because of the STRONG, BLACK coffee. Break the sofa maybe- or throw a stone at the glass window.

They finally gave it to me – smiling all the way. They found it hilarious. They even opened the sugar, stirred it in, out on the cover for a ‘take-away’ and handed me the paper cup with a tissue. They could have just tied it around my neck like a bib! They even charged me two bucks less for my coffee!!!

WHAT were they expecting?

I am old enough to know what coffee I want, please!!! Next time around I will just order a milk shake to save me the trouble.

Years.

Think of this- I told you, of the twisting ashes of years on our skins
That will be the trailing equation.
I have stopped saying my words out loud- the meaning changes when I do. And dear friend, you and I have nothing in common.
I have told you of my epic in an imagined conversation and while your thoughts held me to sleep – what could have been and what is pitched the battle tents on the creases of a smile.
The conversations dwindle, the gap just closes in and face to face- I have nothing more to say, except, did you know that you weren’t the only liar?
There the mirror image and the path of no return, a place of no exit and burning passions sour and stale – my thoughts are rarely erotic, perhaps I am freezing inside.
Perhaps.
I can’t love like a teenager - I wish I could. Older second by second – delving in the truth I dish out to you – I am older than the smiles you have managed.
I am older. Shattering and wiser as the cracks grow. This too will pass one day and I will regret.
I wish I had abandoned you sooner.