I thought that I would write a book. Someday, soon enough. I want to write a book, get it published, do the book tours, the back cover glamor shots...all the works.
But the twist is that it will for sure NOT be chic lit! NEVER NEVER NEVER. As much as I hate those books, as much as those pieces of cheap lit have entertained me- I will NEVER write chic lit.
I might write a book on JNU and call it 'Plane Spotting' or write a Fantasy Trilogy- the name of which I have not decided yet.
But I will.
Promise.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Post Heart Break Ramblings in other words BLAH!!!
For the last few days I have tried to write. In reality with pen and paper and also in my head like I mostly do. I tried when I saw the different shades of blue in the never ending sea, when I saw a glowing sun set, when I walked the sea bed, when I took off in to the air, when I got thrown in to the water and even when I saw a jelly fish- I tried to write.
Isn’t that what we should do? The old school intellectuals? Seeking acceptance from a world who we don’t believe understands us? Seeking approval and some sympathy from people who do not think like us nor can feel like us form the written forms that we pour ourselves into. Read me- in all my naked honesty- read me.
And learn me, understand me, accept me and if you can follow my blog daily.
Who am I to tell them that I do not believe them? Who am I to tell them that at times I do not even believe myself? The mind is capable of such diverse thoughts and such absurd conclusions that even if I pour myself out in words and customized pages- I can never believe to be completely honest?
When I fail to write- something like this piece comes into reluctant existence. You see, the great cynic of the post modern age, all I have learnt from the hallowed portals of my academic castles- is that I can and should write. How could I possibly do anything else?
Can I live?
Maybe not. Breathe, survive, love, lie...?
I do not know about that- but I can write.
So...you know by now what to do. But let me warn you- what you read of me is not one bit honest. It is what I want you to read of me! And hell- you already knew that.
When my heart is broken- I may turn my tears to words,
When I have so much love in me to completely own you- I may turn my want to words,
When I have no answers to give- I can turn my lack of knowledge to words,
With these words there is nothing I cannot do.
I have learnt that I am not good enough. For something I have loved with all my heart. When we had nothing we were given so much that now, after two years we have so much to lose that our heart s are breaking. It is true my dear friend that while showing you pictures of a far off land when faces familiar come up there are tears in my eyes.
I will never walk those same paths again, I won’t play with those puppies again nor spend the nights up with you...you all who I hold so close to me. Why us? Why?
You all, in your locked rooms- tell us where we went wrong. Tell us why we had such an undignified departure from these tree shaded avenues, from all the colours, and all the happiness that our immature hearts could hold?
Why?
Look into my eyes and tell me that I am not good enough for you all. Tell me that the last two years, all the hard work, all the faith and respect have just been lies. Tell me that I deserve to go.
After being away from home for two years and learning to be someone I was not, I came back home with nothing left to lose. I was no longer that girl who in a hurry stuffed her chaotic life into a few boxes and changed cities. This new me was nice, I liked her very much. But when I reached home I had the feeling deep inside somewhere that my life no longer would be the same again. I did things I could manage, could make time for, and could do with all the sincerity I could muster. Survived on the sliver of hope that two years had been spent well. What a conceited fool I am!!!
But when it hit me, I wanted to run away and hide. After a long long time I wanted to run away and hide. That is what courage does to you. It makes you complacent, it makes you feel in ways you have never felt before and that is dangerous. I thought that after the long and hard fought battles I deserved my bit. But my battles were just beginning.
After being away for so long I never liked being home. But this time I wanted to stay home. For the comfort it gave me. For the hugs, the quiet words and the smiles. I want my mommy. I want you. And I want it all to come together to comfort me.
Why am I being so silly that I must break so?
Have such battles never been fought before? Why am I so eager to run away? Am I a coward?
When I had lost everything I had fought so hard to gain it all back. I was stupid in the first place to have lost it all...but when you are that young...it is in your blood to do the stupidest things. I just could not believe that I had to fight again.
Why me?
The new journey has begun and I am learning to accept that those paths will never be traversed again, not by me...but by the likes of me and I wish them all well. But god knows how much I want to be there, doing the same things, feeling the same way.
And as far as running away is concerned I shall sit here and shut the world out. Silently, slowly and by myself.
And you and I will meet when those doors have opened again.
Isn’t that what we should do? The old school intellectuals? Seeking acceptance from a world who we don’t believe understands us? Seeking approval and some sympathy from people who do not think like us nor can feel like us form the written forms that we pour ourselves into. Read me- in all my naked honesty- read me.
And learn me, understand me, accept me and if you can follow my blog daily.
Who am I to tell them that I do not believe them? Who am I to tell them that at times I do not even believe myself? The mind is capable of such diverse thoughts and such absurd conclusions that even if I pour myself out in words and customized pages- I can never believe to be completely honest?
When I fail to write- something like this piece comes into reluctant existence. You see, the great cynic of the post modern age, all I have learnt from the hallowed portals of my academic castles- is that I can and should write. How could I possibly do anything else?
Can I live?
Maybe not. Breathe, survive, love, lie...?
I do not know about that- but I can write.
So...you know by now what to do. But let me warn you- what you read of me is not one bit honest. It is what I want you to read of me! And hell- you already knew that.
When my heart is broken- I may turn my tears to words,
When I have so much love in me to completely own you- I may turn my want to words,
When I have no answers to give- I can turn my lack of knowledge to words,
With these words there is nothing I cannot do.
I have learnt that I am not good enough. For something I have loved with all my heart. When we had nothing we were given so much that now, after two years we have so much to lose that our heart s are breaking. It is true my dear friend that while showing you pictures of a far off land when faces familiar come up there are tears in my eyes.
I will never walk those same paths again, I won’t play with those puppies again nor spend the nights up with you...you all who I hold so close to me. Why us? Why?
You all, in your locked rooms- tell us where we went wrong. Tell us why we had such an undignified departure from these tree shaded avenues, from all the colours, and all the happiness that our immature hearts could hold?
Why?
Look into my eyes and tell me that I am not good enough for you all. Tell me that the last two years, all the hard work, all the faith and respect have just been lies. Tell me that I deserve to go.
After being away from home for two years and learning to be someone I was not, I came back home with nothing left to lose. I was no longer that girl who in a hurry stuffed her chaotic life into a few boxes and changed cities. This new me was nice, I liked her very much. But when I reached home I had the feeling deep inside somewhere that my life no longer would be the same again. I did things I could manage, could make time for, and could do with all the sincerity I could muster. Survived on the sliver of hope that two years had been spent well. What a conceited fool I am!!!
But when it hit me, I wanted to run away and hide. After a long long time I wanted to run away and hide. That is what courage does to you. It makes you complacent, it makes you feel in ways you have never felt before and that is dangerous. I thought that after the long and hard fought battles I deserved my bit. But my battles were just beginning.
After being away for so long I never liked being home. But this time I wanted to stay home. For the comfort it gave me. For the hugs, the quiet words and the smiles. I want my mommy. I want you. And I want it all to come together to comfort me.
Why am I being so silly that I must break so?
Have such battles never been fought before? Why am I so eager to run away? Am I a coward?
When I had lost everything I had fought so hard to gain it all back. I was stupid in the first place to have lost it all...but when you are that young...it is in your blood to do the stupidest things. I just could not believe that I had to fight again.
Why me?
The new journey has begun and I am learning to accept that those paths will never be traversed again, not by me...but by the likes of me and I wish them all well. But god knows how much I want to be there, doing the same things, feeling the same way.
And as far as running away is concerned I shall sit here and shut the world out. Silently, slowly and by myself.
And you and I will meet when those doors have opened again.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Well...then...
I have this strange habit...well,not exactly a 'habit' but more like a disease if I could call it so.
I get used to/irritated with people REALLY fast! It's easier to talk of it than to feel it because when I do feel it hitting me I realize how impatient I intrinsically am.
What actually happens is - I end up spending a lot of time with someone because I am rather fond of them, but VERY soon their whims and quirks start getting to me. It happens with everyone I am fond of. EVERYONE. It is not that I love them any less then but I would do anything right then to go away from them, do something else, be somewhere else. It happens with friends, family, acquaintances...hell!!!
I can't explain why it happens but it completely irks me when I look back at it. And the strange thing is I can't do much to change it.
So more often than not I end up spending stipulated time with people I love so as I never get irritated with them. It is not their fault, it's mine. So if I ever cancel plans with you - I am doing it for I adore you completely.
Believe me.
I get used to/irritated with people REALLY fast! It's easier to talk of it than to feel it because when I do feel it hitting me I realize how impatient I intrinsically am.
What actually happens is - I end up spending a lot of time with someone because I am rather fond of them, but VERY soon their whims and quirks start getting to me. It happens with everyone I am fond of. EVERYONE. It is not that I love them any less then but I would do anything right then to go away from them, do something else, be somewhere else. It happens with friends, family, acquaintances...hell!!!
I can't explain why it happens but it completely irks me when I look back at it. And the strange thing is I can't do much to change it.
So more often than not I end up spending stipulated time with people I love so as I never get irritated with them. It is not their fault, it's mine. So if I ever cancel plans with you - I am doing it for I adore you completely.
Believe me.
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