My rains...in my Calcutta

After ages I saw the rains here. Like I used to as a child, standing in the balcony while the rain spray touched my face. The dull grey all around, in the sky, on the streets. I missed the rains in Delhi, then again in Calcutta till this time. I saw the rains in Pattaya but they weren’t as nice. The sea looks awesome in the rains. I wish I could have been there with you. Standing high in the hotel window staring at the islands that were vanishing in the horizon. And I would tell you that tomorrow we should go to one of those islands and try spotting the hotel window from there. How completely kiddish. But that is how I am – I think too fucking simply at times.
But this rain in Calcutta- these are my rains. I grew up with this, getting wet and getting shouted at for that. It’s so monotonous that it seems so comforting to me right now. The lack of something, of action, of something drastic, stark and heart breaking. I want this blanket around me. You do not know how torn I feel inside. Look at me. You’ll know. All I want now is to be safe, to be home and to be held like I am wanted and worth something.But you I miss. Strangely. A lot of empty spaces between us…and I do not know what to do with that.

...

The dull witted gray clouds like tears behind my lashes.
Waiting, expectant, holding onto the last smile.
The last kiss and the last written word.
Scared.
But you and me beloved.
You and me will be ok.

As the days pass I am trying to be ok. I know that this means nothing more than just something I did not get. Big deal. But then why is my world falling apart???
For the first time in my entire life I forgot my admit card for an exam...forgot to turn the page and check for the next question...left out 40 marks in a paper...
The more I think I will be ok the harder it becomes.
You, when I talk to you, you know I wanted this, I do not need to explain my heart break to you. Just hold me.

You stop mid way- telling me things you really want to but refrain. And I tell you that I rather deal with this with you than deal with it alone.

Why?

It feels like a bad break up...a bad nasty break up.

Fuck.

You and me. We will be ok. Some how.

Reality Shot

I got my heart broken today. In the most undignified way if I may add. As I sat in the car on the way back from a lot of fun, I was shaking inside. When no one was watching some tears would roll down my eyes. When I was left with just one more person in the car I wanted to cry. Not silently- but aloud. Bawling, screaming, letting out all the insane pain that I was feeling inside.
I didn't. No one had ever seen me that way and I could not afford that now.
I have never felt so useless or broken in my life.

Yes, love, you can fall in love with something that may not have loved you back.

Yes, love, you can fall in love with something dead.