reality.tv.show.

you are not your mistakes.
you are not every man and you are not me.
but you will know when the world screeches to a deathly halt and you shiver out of fear and helplessness rather than the cold.
it has happened to me not once but times over.
and it will happen again.
the tight dryness in your throat and the tears that won't come out, agony, shame and the absence of arms around the shaking shoulders.
when she spoke i felt the blood rushing to my feet. i felt drained and blank. like every last breath in my body had been battered out with a blow. just one hard blow. she cried. i hugged her tight and kept telling her that it was ok. it was ok. always. would be ok.
i would not forgive myself for lying and holding my tears back till she left. and when she left. i broke down.
i cried cupious tears of anger and shame. and the person responsible was blissful. unaware.
at that instance all my faith and all my dreams were being raped to reality. brutally. bleeding like fresh knife wounds on the skin. someone held me. someone put her hand on my head and told me that it would be ok.
of course it would be ok.
it would always be ok.
when i lifted my tear stained cheeks i swore that i would not love again but inside my psyche the need to be loved was haunting. i probably needed to be held more than ever. ever in my life.
it is hard. it always always is so hard.
but then...
your doors are always open for me.
right.