Some goodbyes...

Some goodbyes are the most silent of all. No one cries, no hugs, no tears- no promises to keep in touch and no revelations of how the other person will be missed. Goodbyes of this sort make me feel the most empty. Because at times like these I have no idea how to express my self. I can't cry, or hug or promise to stay in touch or let them know that they will be missed. It is completely unnerving.
My room mate is leaving today for China. Forever.
She tells me that she is leaving tonight and places some gifts in my hand. She is almost apologetic for giving me those gifts. That is how she is. One of the most silent presences in my life.
she hardly ever raised her voice, or whined or complained or said anything harsh or rude. I think I said enough for the both of us. She never ever complained about anything. In all practicality she knew in her mind that she was here just for a year. Thus when my stuff over flowed all over the room- she didn't mind. My friends came and stayed over all the time- she never said a word. She hardly ever said much.
The most we talked was during a power cut once when i explained to her how elections in JNU worked. She audited one of our courses and attended more classes than I did. She bought all the course books and politely let me know that I could borrow them when ever I wanted. I didn't even buy ONE of the course books.
I don't know whether she hated me or liked me- but for hours when we sat alone doing our own work in the room, literally oblivious of each other - she would pass me chips or an apple and at times I passed her my things.
She taught me this incredible thing- if I was asleep at the odd times (which is like all the time!) she would switch the main light off and work with her table lamp on. My earlier room mates had never done that. That was a very small gesture- but it meant the world to me. I knew that I mattered to her.
Since then i never put the main light on when she slept- no matter how many times I bumped into things late into the night.
I got her stuff back from home and she sent stuff back with me for home. On nights when I had nightmares or was crying my heart out in silence- I would turn to see her sleeping figure next to me.
At least someone was there- I was not all alone.
Now, as I write, she is packing her things. One by one, everything I identify with her goes into the suitcase- the electric kettle, the multipoint charger, the chinese army mosquito repellent, the contact lenses case...
I don't know what to tell her.
She told me that she was leaving tonight. Her mentioning that made me realize how incredibly short a time I had to let her know what she had been to me. For a whole year I had not mentioned a word to her about anything emotional and yet here I was writing about how I felt.
I am writing what I want to say Wang. If ever you come across this piece- you will know.
She told me that she won't be back for the next semester. I just said - "Oh...". she smiled and carried on with her packing.
Our lives are changing now- people are leaving and some are hoping that no one leaves. But some journeys always end for others to begin.
And I for once don't want a room without her.