Sometimes it is just that much harder to fathom what sort of an effect you have left on someone’s life. You may not bother and with a shrug of a shoulder push their thoughts away into the dark recesses with so many other abandoned memories.
There are memories of a touch, a look, a certain off-handed event with no connection to the rest that followed. Affection itself is one of the most over whelming memories. And I want to leave none.
I cannot imagine I affected you, mattered that much. There is no internal or private triumph in this statement. There is just overwhelming sorrow. When I leave I want to take the memories with me, take a wet wash cloth and wipe your mind clean. Settle your collar and kiss you on the forehead and say- go fall in love. Again. One more time. And this time it may be forever.
I don’t want to come to mind in sullen hours. I want to physically rip those pages out, get someone to do it- someone you don’t know and thus might trust involuntarily.
Why would I want to take them all away? Because knowing that I am a memory for you- makes it that much harder to use a wash cloth on my mind. Thoughts get tied in this terrible chaotic chain reaction, each implosion of tears into the veins followed swiftly by another.
It saddens me to leave memories.
To know that you have not let go of me quite yet- makes it that much harder to let go of you.
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